I've been doing a lot of surfing lately. I find it interesting to see how many people have the same people on their 'blogs I like' section. Adam, Seven, Terri, Whit, AM, Nightbug, (all blogs I have in my faves) seem to be everywhere! I feel slighted! In comparison, I'm nowhere! I've put my time in. I occasionally talk about things other than myself and/or nookie. Sometimes. Every once in a while.

Rather than just bitch about it, I decided to see what gives the afforementioned people so much traffic. No one knows what the hell Seven is talking about. That could be the appeal there. I've gained quite an appreciation for his site since I noticed that he likes the song West End Girls by the Pet Shop Boys.

Adam and Nightbug are without a doubt THE SHIT! That is the highest complement I am capable of giving. I don't even have anything else to say them.

You have to like Terri. Her posts and comments are so sincere. You really feel like she loves each and every one of us, no matter how undeserved we may be. She is truly the Mother Love of the site. Terri, I am proud to be considered one of your 'men'.

Don't get me wrong. I get traffic. I may be crude, but at least I'm interesting. I'm going to examine this thing more closely and see what I can do to appease my lust for more attention. I will not be satisfied until I appear on the home page's popular blogs section! This is war!

I am so full of myself at times!

Mr. Big

What's going on here people? I've noticed a strange disturbance in the force. (not star wars isms!) It seems that there is a lack of nookie in the stream. Jen (my blog bitch) hasn't had any in an alarming stretch of time! Adam and Terri (although not together) have reasons for not getting any, but they add to the problem. I quite possibly the sexiest mother fucker on the whole site (self proclaimed), can't even remember what it looks like! What's the deal?

As I've said in the past, I'm completely willing to drive to Texas and 'hook up' with Jen. This is good in theory, but probably not very realistic. I'd do it. And it would be the BOMB! But then she'd get all hooked and dependant. She'd blow all her money on making red-eye flights to Connecticut. It would be bad. I don't want to be the one to get her ad-dick-ted to Big Daddy. (aren't I the only one who could?) Fuck it, you know what I mean.

I don't know if Night-Bug has this problem, but frankly, she scares me! IF we ever did get together, she might do things to me that would make me need therapy. I'm pretty open sexually, but there's things about me that I don't want to know yet, and I fear that she may know what those things are.

DB's mom would be a good prospect, but it seems she's got her hands full at the moment. I know what she's going through. I had the unsettling happenstance of seeing my son in the bathtub this weekend. Not that I haven't seen this a million times before, but this was different. As I kneel down to wash his legs and feet, there was this 'thing' pointing at me. Ewww! I tried my best to ignore it, but had to be washed. He explained to me that it 'does that alot sometimes'. I was unprepared to have the erection conversation with a 6 year old, so we continued to ignore it. Even when he hung his washcloth on it. (he don't get that thing from daddy) Boobies were easy to talk about with my daughter. I'll trade boobies for erections anyday.

I like to think that the problem stems not from us, but from society at large. There are too many Old Nasty (navy) and Pimpercrombie and Bitch types out there. America has brainwashed us into thinking that only certain body types are attractive. That is complete and utter bullshit! Have you seen today's supermodels? They're tall, undernourished looking freaks! And the women, they're no better! But we grow up looking at the swim suit issue of sports magazines and think that that's what beauty is. I am here to say that it is not! We need to find the beauty in everyone.

Women. The next time you get a chance, look at, and really check out a fat man. Not disgustingly overweight man. Not the guy with the belly hanging out under his shirt. Not the guy with the ass-crack that starts at the back of his neck. They may not be helpable. (helpable?) Check out the guy who looks like the guy in my gallery. (shameless plug) He's got style. He looks sure of himself. He may have children. Look at him and find something you like. Now instead of just passing him over, talk to him. You may find out a few things.
Like what? He has feelings and insecurities just like you. Get to know him. He'll grow on you. (figuratively, I hope) And I don't share this with a lot of people, but some fat men (me) have skills that skinny dudes know nothing about. Get your shovel, and dig this.

A skinny dude that has never had a belly, doesn't know how to use one. The belly is useful! Have you ever finally gotten into that position where everything finally fits and is going right? Don't you hate when you keep slipping out of that shit? That doesn't happen with The Bigness! Why? The Belly! We use that shit like a tool. It may sound crazy, but when I put it on you, it's on you! I'll pull you to the edge of the bed, and put my Tim's on. (traction) Then I'll put the belly on you. As I come from underneath and pop it up, the belly pushes down on you keeping you in the same place. And then I lean over you and grab you by the waist and pull you down at same time. (did i mention your legs are over my shoulders?) You are going nowhere! And you'll like it! No, you'll love it! Why? Because I'll keep this up until you can't take it anymore, or I get an abdominal cramp! Skinny dudes can't even make this happen. They don't have the equipment!

Most dudes look good, but fuck ugly. Not the Bigness. We have to give it all we got. We don't know when we'll get this chance again. If you ever walk down the street and see some fat guy with a blazin' honey, dimepiece, perfect 10, Jen, you now know why. We put it on 'em. And they'll never tell their girlfriends. It'll be their little secret.

I seem to have lost the original topic. Who cares? Maybe you'll walk away with something you didn't have before you read this. Be a little more open when looking for Mr. Right. Look outside the norm. You supersize you meals. Supersize your man.

Sprinkle Me Bitch!

Mr. Big

Why does it seem that everyone posts like mad during the weekend? I can manage to keep up during the week, but I lose it during the weekend. I really have to get a computer back in the house. I'm so desperate, I almost bought a MAC! How can I have sunk so low? I'm working on it, I swear.

There was one good thing that happened this weekend, so I'll get to that first. (don't know how much time on this computer i really have) I had my son again. I get him every other weekend. It's so not enough. I've got 4 days a month to work out whatever damage his mother did during the other 27 days of the month. It really sucks. But this weekend was different. As odd as it may sound, I believe we really bonded. I paid more attention to him. I like to consider myself a good father, but on the weekend he likes to have company. I generally allow this to happen because then I don't have to 'entertain' him. This time I told his company to kick rocks. Even though he's only 6, he shows me so many new things. It's amazing how perceptive he can be. (this is where the anecdote should go, damned using other people's computers)

Have you ever noticed that other people's problems are so easy to fix? It's hard to even imagine why they think they've got problems. I don't really care if your sister just got pregnant (again) and doesn't know who the father is. If she doesn't want to get pregnant, stop fucking! See how easy that is? And if she doesn't want to stop fucking, try fucking just one person. Then if you get some shit, you know where you got it from! Why do people feel the need to ask me simple shit like that? Try having my problems. I've got a dollar and six cents. McDonald's and Burger Thing are right next to each other. Which dollar menu do I go to? Now that's a problem!

I still haven't gotten paid for work I've done. The company owes me money. As long as they owe me I'll never go broke right? Part of it is my fault. I can't totally blame them for that. It's just one more thing...

Lastly (computer time is almost up), I had to tell Ashley about Jen. She's cool with it. What I do on the computer is my business and doesn't really affect what's going on with us. Not that it would matter. She's not my girl anymore. (keep telling yourself that until you believe it asshole) Anyhoo... I'm working on getting a box. I should have it soon. Then I'll be more consistent in these blogs. Remind me to tell you all about my roomies recent shit too. I haven't talked about her in a while. (i wouldn't even mention it, except she's reading over my shoulder)

I'm out.

Sprinkle me Bitch

Mr. Big

I actually have to work today, so I won't be posting anything. I'm sure I'll have something to say after I come back. New Hampshire and Maine are always interesting to me. I hope I can make the trip without getting stopped by the police again. They seem to know when I'm coming. What's up with that?

Anyhoo, I'm out. See you all soon.

Sprinkle me bitch!

Mr. Big

I was sent a Private Message yesterday. I don't know why. I chose a public place to put my thoughts because I'm not ashamed to afraid to share what goes on in my life. No biggie. Just know, you can ask me the same stuff in the public comments.

Anyhoo. The message concerned the size of my penis. Specifically, why do I keep saying that it's small. Why not? It's mine. Why lie? What if one day by some miracle, Jen (uninspired girl) and I do hook up? I'm ultimately going to have to show and prove. And during that process, if I've lied, I'm busted. Then she'll have to post a blog telling you all the truth about the 'angry inch'. I don't need that on my conscience. It's easier to tell the truth.

"Hello, my name is Mr. Big. I have a small penis."

I'm sure there's other guys out there that have small penises. Just as I'm sure that there are some guys out there that appear to be half man half horse. But let's analyze that. What woman wants a man with all that? I've asked. There aren't a whole lot. Not everyday women. It might be nice to try, but it would get boring after a while. Especially if the man likes head as much as I do. Women look at me and think, 'I can handle that.' Then they look at Gigantor over there and think, 'I know he don't think he's choking me with that thing.' Believe me. I know these things.

"It's not the size of the boat. It's the motion of the ocean."

Don't fool yourself. That's what all little dick men say. You've got to have some size. Enough to make it worth it. Use what you've got. Choose different positions. Hit it from the back. Do what you gotta do.

"Eat the pussy."

Hell yes. I'll eat the whole thing and leave the damned empty box! For real though. When I get to eat the pussy, I treat it like it's my last damned meal! It's all in the technique. Unless your tongue is bigger than your dick, don't try to fuck the woman with your tongue. Sure, explore it once every few minutes. But don't act like you're spelunking and trying to get to the bottom of it. It's deeper than you think. Caress the folds of it. Tease it. Circle the clitoris. Blow gently upon it. Nibble it. See what these actions elicit from the girl. You'll know when you hit that spot just right. She'll let you know.

None of this should be a newsflash to any of you out there. But if it is, and you try some of these things, when they work (and they will work), give me my props! When your girl gets that nut, I want you to stand up in the middle of the bed and say, "Thank you Mr. Big".

Now for all you women. I'm single. I'm accepting applications. Act like you know, because you really do! Jen has first option to accept or decline. I'm out!

Sprinkle me Bitch!

Mr. Big