I was sent a Private Message yesterday. I don't know why. I chose a public place to put my thoughts because I'm not ashamed to afraid to share what goes on in my life. No biggie. Just know, you can ask me the same stuff in the public comments.

Anyhoo. The message concerned the size of my penis. Specifically, why do I keep saying that it's small. Why not? It's mine. Why lie? What if one day by some miracle, Jen (uninspired girl) and I do hook up? I'm ultimately going to have to show and prove. And during that process, if I've lied, I'm busted. Then she'll have to post a blog telling you all the truth about the 'angry inch'. I don't need that on my conscience. It's easier to tell the truth.

"Hello, my name is Mr. Big. I have a small penis."

I'm sure there's other guys out there that have small penises. Just as I'm sure that there are some guys out there that appear to be half man half horse. But let's analyze that. What woman wants a man with all that? I've asked. There aren't a whole lot. Not everyday women. It might be nice to try, but it would get boring after a while. Especially if the man likes head as much as I do. Women look at me and think, 'I can handle that.' Then they look at Gigantor over there and think, 'I know he don't think he's choking me with that thing.' Believe me. I know these things.

"It's not the size of the boat. It's the motion of the ocean."

Don't fool yourself. That's what all little dick men say. You've got to have some size. Enough to make it worth it. Use what you've got. Choose different positions. Hit it from the back. Do what you gotta do.

"Eat the pussy."

Hell yes. I'll eat the whole thing and leave the damned empty box! For real though. When I get to eat the pussy, I treat it like it's my last damned meal! It's all in the technique. Unless your tongue is bigger than your dick, don't try to fuck the woman with your tongue. Sure, explore it once every few minutes. But don't act like you're spelunking and trying to get to the bottom of it. It's deeper than you think. Caress the folds of it. Tease it. Circle the clitoris. Blow gently upon it. Nibble it. See what these actions elicit from the girl. You'll know when you hit that spot just right. She'll let you know.

None of this should be a newsflash to any of you out there. But if it is, and you try some of these things, when they work (and they will work), give me my props! When your girl gets that nut, I want you to stand up in the middle of the bed and say, "Thank you Mr. Big".

Now for all you women. I'm single. I'm accepting applications. Act like you know, because you really do! Jen has first option to accept or decline. I'm out!

Sprinkle me Bitch!

Mr. Big