What's going on here people? I've noticed a strange disturbance in the force. (not star wars isms!) It seems that there is a lack of nookie in the stream. Jen (my blog bitch) hasn't had any in an alarming stretch of time! Adam and Terri (although not together) have reasons for not getting any, but they add to the problem. I quite possibly the sexiest mother fucker on the whole site (self proclaimed), can't even remember what it looks like! What's the deal?

As I've said in the past, I'm completely willing to drive to Texas and 'hook up' with Jen. This is good in theory, but probably not very realistic. I'd do it. And it would be the BOMB! But then she'd get all hooked and dependant. She'd blow all her money on making red-eye flights to Connecticut. It would be bad. I don't want to be the one to get her ad-dick-ted to Big Daddy. (aren't I the only one who could?) Fuck it, you know what I mean.

I don't know if Night-Bug has this problem, but frankly, she scares me! IF we ever did get together, she might do things to me that would make me need therapy. I'm pretty open sexually, but there's things about me that I don't want to know yet, and I fear that she may know what those things are.

DB's mom would be a good prospect, but it seems she's got her hands full at the moment. I know what she's going through. I had the unsettling happenstance of seeing my son in the bathtub this weekend. Not that I haven't seen this a million times before, but this was different. As I kneel down to wash his legs and feet, there was this 'thing' pointing at me. Ewww! I tried my best to ignore it, but had to be washed. He explained to me that it 'does that alot sometimes'. I was unprepared to have the erection conversation with a 6 year old, so we continued to ignore it. Even when he hung his washcloth on it. (he don't get that thing from daddy) Boobies were easy to talk about with my daughter. I'll trade boobies for erections anyday.

I like to think that the problem stems not from us, but from society at large. There are too many Old Nasty (navy) and Pimpercrombie and Bitch types out there. America has brainwashed us into thinking that only certain body types are attractive. That is complete and utter bullshit! Have you seen today's supermodels? They're tall, undernourished looking freaks! And the women, they're no better! But we grow up looking at the swim suit issue of sports magazines and think that that's what beauty is. I am here to say that it is not! We need to find the beauty in everyone.

Women. The next time you get a chance, look at, and really check out a fat man. Not disgustingly overweight man. Not the guy with the belly hanging out under his shirt. Not the guy with the ass-crack that starts at the back of his neck. They may not be helpable. (helpable?) Check out the guy who looks like the guy in my gallery. (shameless plug) He's got style. He looks sure of himself. He may have children. Look at him and find something you like. Now instead of just passing him over, talk to him. You may find out a few things.
Like what? He has feelings and insecurities just like you. Get to know him. He'll grow on you. (figuratively, I hope) And I don't share this with a lot of people, but some fat men (me) have skills that skinny dudes know nothing about. Get your shovel, and dig this.

A skinny dude that has never had a belly, doesn't know how to use one. The belly is useful! Have you ever finally gotten into that position where everything finally fits and is going right? Don't you hate when you keep slipping out of that shit? That doesn't happen with The Bigness! Why? The Belly! We use that shit like a tool. It may sound crazy, but when I put it on you, it's on you! I'll pull you to the edge of the bed, and put my Tim's on. (traction) Then I'll put the belly on you. As I come from underneath and pop it up, the belly pushes down on you keeping you in the same place. And then I lean over you and grab you by the waist and pull you down at same time. (did i mention your legs are over my shoulders?) You are going nowhere! And you'll like it! No, you'll love it! Why? Because I'll keep this up until you can't take it anymore, or I get an abdominal cramp! Skinny dudes can't even make this happen. They don't have the equipment!

Most dudes look good, but fuck ugly. Not the Bigness. We have to give it all we got. We don't know when we'll get this chance again. If you ever walk down the street and see some fat guy with a blazin' honey, dimepiece, perfect 10, Jen, you now know why. We put it on 'em. And they'll never tell their girlfriends. It'll be their little secret.

I seem to have lost the original topic. Who cares? Maybe you'll walk away with something you didn't have before you read this. Be a little more open when looking for Mr. Right. Look outside the norm. You supersize you meals. Supersize your man.

Sprinkle Me Bitch!

Mr. Big